Building relationships
Be outgoing. Having a friendly, outgoing personality goes a long way when it comes to having an influence on the people around you. People respond to people who are comfortable in their own skin, and are more inclined to follow their lead.- Smile. People are drawn to a friendly smile. It makes you seem approachable and trustworthy.
- Ask questions. Engage other people in conversations. Show an interest in them and they will become more open and responsive.
- Plan activities. Take the initiative and organize a group trip, for example, hiking or to a concert. This will earn you major cool points.
- Ask stimulating questions about the other person's interests and opinions.
- Listen to their answers and respond in an appropriate and thoughtful manner.
- This will generate a sense of trust and create a rapport between you.
Address people by name. People are more likely to respond when they hear their name, as the use of their name makes your message more personal to them.
- By remembering to use someone's name, you will seem like an interesting person who pays close attention to details.
- Using someone's name is also a sign of respect and is another way of demonstrating an interest in the other person, as discussed above.
Be an active participant in discussions. Building a relationship with someone is a two way street. It's about reciprocity. You shouldn't use a conversation as a vehicle for forcing your ideas and opinions on others, without letting anybody else get a word in edgewise. Equally, you shouldn't check out of a conversation either, nobody wants to feel like they're talking to themselves.
- Try to find the balance between listening and talking.
- Ask questions, listen politely to the answers and respond appropriately.
Talk about the interests of others. Encouraging someone to talk about the things they are passionate about is another great way to demonstrate an interest in others. It is also one of the best ways to get to know someone, a vital component in building a relationship. Even the shyest person will open up if you get them going on a topic they love.
- If you find out that someone likes reading, ask them about the best book they've read lately, or ask them to recommend something for you.
- If they're interested in something like rock climbing, ask them how they first got involved and see if they'd be willing to bring you along sometime.
- Try not to overpower the other person by talking about your own interests too much. Remember, the aim is to make them feel interesting. Of course, if they're genuinely interested in hearing about your recent skydiving experience, don't refuse to talk about it!
Respect the opinions of others. It is important to always respect other people's opinions, even during a disagreement. You do not need to agree with the other person, but you should allow them to express their opinions and beliefs without contradicting or belittling them. Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, so it is important to recognize and accept your differences.
- If you really have to disagree with someone, recognize that although you don't agree, what you hear is not unreasonable. “Yes, I see where you're coming from, however, . . .”
- Make generous use of the metaphor of perspective. “Yes, but if you look at it from a different point of view,. . .”
- Never tell another person that their opinions are crazy, stupid or worthless.
Secure your place within a social circle. Establish your place within a social circle by becoming friends or respected acquaintances with as many people within that circle as possible. This will increase your influence and power over that circle as a whole.
- Don't just tag along and look bored if your friend introduces you to a new group of people. Seize the opportunity. Interact with them and try to get to know them, you don't know who you might meet!
- Speak to people within the circle you don't normally hang out with. Try to become friends with them for their own sake, not just because you know them through someone else.
- Host a party or group activity of some kind and invite as many friends, acquaintances and friends of friends as possible, then work the room!
Establishing a good reputation
Admit your mistakes first and foremost. If you are wrong, be sure to admit it quickly and emphatically. The quick way to generate animosity is by failure to admit your mistakes when you are obviously at fault. So if you want to build credibility and respect, be sure that you are quick to admit your errors as soon as you realize them. People will admire your honesty and honesty inspires trust.
Point out mistakes in a helpful, indirect way. If it is necessary to point out someone else's mistakes, make sure to do it in a constructive, positive way. The last thing you want to do is make another person feel small or stupid. If you are humble and matter-of-fact with your correction, you will find that your comments are more likely to be heard and taken to heart.
- If you are helping a person to avoid further embarrassment, try saying something like "Hey, Tony. I noticed you were using your dinner fork for your salad. It doesn't matter that much, but you might start on the outside and work your way in. If you want, you can watch what I do." Helping someone avoid further embarrassment is honorable.
- If you are helping someone by reviewing a paper or report they wrote, try starting out with a compliment before pointing out some places they can improve: "Hey Sally, great job on the paper! It was really interesting, but I've highlighted some information I think you should double check, I'm not sure if it's 100% accurate."
- Avoid correcting people in a curt, condescending, blunt, rude, abrasive, or exasperated manner.
- Never correct someone in front of another person. Keep it between the two of you.
Establish your expertise. If you have extensive knowledge on a given topic, it is worthwhile making this fact known, especially if that knowledge could potentially be used to help someone else. Don't brag about your knowledge or talk about it endlessly. This will make you seem like a know-it-all and will discourage people from asking you about for help. Make your expertise known and let people know you are happy to help, if needed.
- If you let it be known that you are a financial whiz, your friends can come to you for monetary guidance or advice. They might feel more comfortable coming to someone they know and trust.
- If you are a fluent second language speaker, let people know that you would be happy to tutor them before an upcoming exam or vacation.
Live a clean life worth looking up to. If you want to influence people, it is important that you live the kind of life that people can respect and look up to. You need to live life to the full and be the best person you can be. Some ways to achieve this include:
- Holding a good job.
- Taking care of your appearance.
- Eating healthily and staying fit.
- Avoiding drug and alcohol abuse.
- Having interests and hobbies
- Respecting others.
Demonstrate a willingness to learn. Although having firm opinions and beliefs is an admirable trait, it is also important to keep an open mind and to be willing to try new things and learn from your experiences.
- Strive to broaden your horizons. Engage in stimulating and thought-provoking discussions, read books and newspapers, travel as much as possible.
- Be a yes person. If somebody offers to teach or show you something new, take them up on it.
Actively guide others' actions
Take a friendly approach. Always begin in a friendly manner if you are trying to influence others to your way of thinking. Avoid being bossy or demanding. Start by asking questions that they will quickly say yes to, in order to get cooperation.
- Try something like "Hey, I'm running out to the store to get some groceries. I'd love some company, would you please come with me?"
- Or something like "Gosh, I'm tired. Wouldn't it be nice to stay in and watch a movie tonight?"
Plead a noble case. People are more likely to change their behaviors, if the change will benefit society as a whole, rather than just you.
Avoid giving orders. Never give orders (even with the word please). This makes the other person feel like you don't respect them or care about their input and might lead them to deliberately ignore or do the opposite of what you want. Instead, ask questions or make subtle suggestions.
- For example, instead of saying "You can't smoke in here, go somewhere else" say something like "Isn't it a nice day outside? Wouldn't it be nice to smoke outside instead?"
- Instead of saying "Take out the trash" say something like "Would you mind taking out the trash? I did it last night."
Make others feel as though the idea belongs to them. This is very important to influence others to your way of thinking. People can be critical of others' ideas, but if it's their idea, they will be much more in favor of it. You can do this by:
- Using reverse psychology to encourage a person to do the opposite of what you say. If you're trying to convince someone to go clubbing with you, say something like "Oh well I didn't think there was any point in asking you, you're not much of a party animal are you?"
- Talking around an idea. Give the other person lots of hints and clues, but let them reach the conclusion themselves. If you want your partner to take you away for the weekend, make comments about needing a break from reality, wanting to spend some quality time together etc. And maybe leave some appealing brochures littered around the place, just for good measure.
Let others save face. Helping others to save face is a good way of building trust. By saving them from an embarrassing situation, the other person will feel grateful towards you and might even feel like they owe you a favor. You can help others save face by:
- Pretending that nothing happened. If somebody trips or calls someone by the wrong name, you can avoid causing them embarrassment by pretending you didn't notice.
- Help to deflect attention away from the person after an embarrassing occurrence. For example, if somebody says something they're not supposed to or accidentally causes offense, you can help by quickly changing the subject.
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